Sunday, March 18, 2012
Good news!
According to a full neck ultrasound the cancer has not spread to my lymph nodes! This is positive news for my recovery and treatment afterwards. Now all I have to do it wait for surgery on the 6th. I am planning on getting PJ's for the hospital that say "Thyroid Cancer: What a pain in the neck" from CafePress.com. They have everything. I am feeling positive and I hope all of this is in my rear view asap. :)
Monday, March 12, 2012
Satisfaction
I started crocheting before I was diagnosed, and now it has turned into therapy for me. I am still a beginner, but it helps me unwind by methodically stitching and watching my project grow. When I finally finish something (it takes me awhile I generally have to unravel and start over at least once) I feel immense satisfaction that I completed something, and that I made something myself instead of going out and buying it. I crack myself up because I am not good at taking my time and following directions or going about it the way they explain if I can figure it out right away. If I get impatient I will just do it, and if it works I feel as though I conquered the boring voices in my instruction book, but when it doesn't...well like I said I unravel at least once. I have made two little purses, and now I am thinking about attempting a hat...hopefully I don't turn into an ugly sweater knitter...I don't think my husband would put up with that.
This is my latest accomplishment!
This is my latest accomplishment!
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Slipping...
Sometimes I feel like I am standing on the peak of a roof and all of the sudden I get pushed. I'm sliding down the roof, unable to see how far I am falling or where I am going to land, desperately trying to grasp onto anything that may slow me down or something I could hold onto...then I think "I must be getting near the end..." but I just keep sliding.
I am up to my ears in Middle Eastern Literature and Literary Theory this semester. A book a week, around 200 pages for each class with writing assignments and discussion boards. Talk about floundering...but I just printed out a zillion pages of reading, and I am going to begin to write my conference paper so maybe I am finding footholds on this never ending slip off of the peak I was on.
I have an ultrasound this Thursday at Johns Hopkins to check to make sure the cancer has not spread to my lymph nodes. If it has then they will biopsy them and they will be taken out during surgery. Sigh...I am terrified that this will be another slip, but I am hoping all of the prayers and good energy my amazing friends and family have sent my way will be a big foothold for me to stand on for awhile. If not then I will probably freak out, and then take it in stride as another thing I can use to make dent in the lack of awareness of Thyroid Cancer.
I am up to my ears in Middle Eastern Literature and Literary Theory this semester. A book a week, around 200 pages for each class with writing assignments and discussion boards. Talk about floundering...but I just printed out a zillion pages of reading, and I am going to begin to write my conference paper so maybe I am finding footholds on this never ending slip off of the peak I was on.
I have an ultrasound this Thursday at Johns Hopkins to check to make sure the cancer has not spread to my lymph nodes. If it has then they will biopsy them and they will be taken out during surgery. Sigh...I am terrified that this will be another slip, but I am hoping all of the prayers and good energy my amazing friends and family have sent my way will be a big foothold for me to stand on for awhile. If not then I will probably freak out, and then take it in stride as another thing I can use to make dent in the lack of awareness of Thyroid Cancer.Friday, March 9, 2012
Cancer for Dummies
After getting the call from my doctor I realized that a cancer diagnosis should come with an instructions manual. Now I have to tell my parents...and my in-laws...my sister...what friends do I call and who do I text or e-mail? What is too impersonal and what method is appropriate for each relationship? I am not a facebook diva who likes to seek sympathy through social networks so I definitely wasn't going to announce to the internet that I have cancer.
"Well my doctor called....it was bad news." That how it started, one of the hardest conversations of my life thus far, telling my parents that their youngest daughter has cancer. My mom wrapped her arm around my waist so tightly that at that moment I could feel her grief and fear because I knew as she was holding onto me she was holding onto me as a baby, a teenager and now a 24-year old woman. This was something she wanted to protect me from, but couldn't. We cried, my Dad was in shock then cried with us. When he hugged me it reminded me of our dance at my wedding--swaying to "Soul Shine" arms wrapped around each other and crying into each other's shoulders because we both realized that at some point I had grown up. After all the crying everything was really quiet. They just walked around completing tasks like robots, pondering the news, trying to seem normal...I don't know what it was, but I felt as though I had done something wrong. My world changed when being diagnosed, and so did theirs.
My husband is my best friend, the love of my life, the man who opens jars and soda bottles for me...he immediately took on the role of my rock, the constant in my life of doctors appointments and test results. That person sometimes gets forgotten in the bustle of doting so I stopped and asked how he was doing. "I have one person, that means more to me than anything in the world, and I'm worried. I don't want you to worry or go through this." He is my rock.
S/N:
I wanted to share a website that I found for Cancer bracelets. They have bracelets, t-shirts, key chains, everything you can think of for each type of cancer. Thyroid cancer is Rose Pink, Teal and Purple/Blue. Part of the proceeds goes to cancer research. I was a geek and sent myself a gift message "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." www.choosehope.com
"Well my doctor called....it was bad news." That how it started, one of the hardest conversations of my life thus far, telling my parents that their youngest daughter has cancer. My mom wrapped her arm around my waist so tightly that at that moment I could feel her grief and fear because I knew as she was holding onto me she was holding onto me as a baby, a teenager and now a 24-year old woman. This was something she wanted to protect me from, but couldn't. We cried, my Dad was in shock then cried with us. When he hugged me it reminded me of our dance at my wedding--swaying to "Soul Shine" arms wrapped around each other and crying into each other's shoulders because we both realized that at some point I had grown up. After all the crying everything was really quiet. They just walked around completing tasks like robots, pondering the news, trying to seem normal...I don't know what it was, but I felt as though I had done something wrong. My world changed when being diagnosed, and so did theirs.
My husband is my best friend, the love of my life, the man who opens jars and soda bottles for me...he immediately took on the role of my rock, the constant in my life of doctors appointments and test results. That person sometimes gets forgotten in the bustle of doting so I stopped and asked how he was doing. "I have one person, that means more to me than anything in the world, and I'm worried. I don't want you to worry or go through this." He is my rock.
S/N:
I wanted to share a website that I found for Cancer bracelets. They have bracelets, t-shirts, key chains, everything you can think of for each type of cancer. Thyroid cancer is Rose Pink, Teal and Purple/Blue. Part of the proceeds goes to cancer research. I was a geek and sent myself a gift message "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." www.choosehope.com
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Nigel the Nodule
In the beginning it was just me and Nigel the Nodule. I found a lump on my throat, or in my throat, or on my thyroid as it turned out...anyway I felt it myself getting ready for a New Years party. Usually nodules are found accidentally by doctors in physicals or other examinations, but I noticed Nigel right away because it was tender and definitely felt out of place. Don't think I'm crazy for call my nodule Nigel, it was my husband who named it in order to lighten up the issue, and it kind of stuck. He generally has an English accent, but is known to sound like a Pirate in a particularly bad mood (like after a biopsy lets say). :) I didn't go to the doctor for a few days because I assumed it was a swollen gland, and I didn't have insurance at the time. Coincidentally our insurance came through a couple days after I found the nodule and I figured I might as well go get it checked.
The first appointment led to blood work and cancer was only mentioned off-handedly, the second appointment was the diagnosis of a "complex nodule" about 2.3cm big and cancer was mentioned a few times, the third appointment was with a surgeon who ordered a biopsy who said it could be three things--nothing, something we can't identify or cancer). About five days later my primary care doctor called (the surgeon was on vacation and wasn't planning to call until a week later) and said she had bad news...gulp. Then my phone cut off. I hissed profanities until it finally reconnected, and she told me that the biopsy came back as Papillary Thyroid Carcinoma...Thyroid cancer. I said "Oh ok, well thanks for calling. No don't apologize it's ok really..." shock and then my husband came outside and I began to cry. And cry and then get pissed. "Are you serious??" After being angry I felt utterly human. Mortal with a capital 'M'. I was not invincible, the worst thing I would have battle was not the flu. Everything was the same around me, but inside something had changed. I suddenly felt very very small.
The first appointment led to blood work and cancer was only mentioned off-handedly, the second appointment was the diagnosis of a "complex nodule" about 2.3cm big and cancer was mentioned a few times, the third appointment was with a surgeon who ordered a biopsy who said it could be three things--nothing, something we can't identify or cancer). About five days later my primary care doctor called (the surgeon was on vacation and wasn't planning to call until a week later) and said she had bad news...gulp. Then my phone cut off. I hissed profanities until it finally reconnected, and she told me that the biopsy came back as Papillary Thyroid Carcinoma...Thyroid cancer. I said "Oh ok, well thanks for calling. No don't apologize it's ok really..." shock and then my husband came outside and I began to cry. And cry and then get pissed. "Are you serious??" After being angry I felt utterly human. Mortal with a capital 'M'. I was not invincible, the worst thing I would have battle was not the flu. Everything was the same around me, but inside something had changed. I suddenly felt very very small.
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